Storytelling Helps Children Bond with Parents

A bedtime story is every child's birthright. Ending the day with a parent reading to them or telling them a tale is an integral part of normal growth and development. Storytelling is as old as language itself. The first yarn was probably told about a day and a half after the spoken word was invented. Others have contended that storytelling is a natural consequence of trying to understand our own dreams, and fables and myths are the attempt to explain the unexplainable.

For the child and parent, reading together has great mutual advantages. Probably the most important is that a parent is there. Having the child intimately close is one of the real reasons to read to children. It is not a race for them to shut their eyes and the parent to close the book and turn out the light. Love is taught by physical presence.

At bedtime, heroes are introduced to a child. The verbal modeling of greatness or goodness from stories can plant similar seeds in the fertile mind of a child. From the ancients the heroics of Odysseus or Hercules or the wonders of Krishna fill the early nights. Religious history also has its mighty righteous warriors who fight for truth and justice and the gentle heroines who gain victories without the sword. Today it is Spider-Man or Batman but their job is still to vanquish evil. Fear is conquered along with the bad guy.

One of the soothing powers of talking to children is simply the soft sound of the parent's gentle speech. Recognition of the maternal voice is already established at birth since the fetus has been eavesdropping on her conversations for the past while.

The calming voice of a parent is what can still the storm of children and bandage their wounds. It is not a coincident that traditional mental health treatment is called talk therapy or that divine reassurance can come from the sounds of a still small voice.

Stories from the nursery also have an interesting power for the child to experience distress and learn to overcome it. Hansel and Gretel is one of the most famous yet scary stories of childhood.

The worse fear of any child is the thought of losing a parent. The next is the fear of an abusing parent and the last is the rejection of a parent. Hansel and Gretel had all three. Their mother dies, the stepmother is cruel, and they are abandoned by their father. Yet in spite of all these crises, and not counting the creepy culinary habits of the witch, brother and sister triumph with resourcefulness.

With listening, not seeing a TV or movie, children are able to self-edit the creepy parts. They can determine how deep and dark are the woods. In modern media, adults, not children, decide how spooky is the forest and how ugly is the witch.

It is not just the telling of their ultimate reunion with a repentant father that gives the folk tale a happy ending. Instead it is the act of reading the scary parts that a parent becomes the antidote. By being present the parent metabolizes the toxicity of the poisonous fear.

Interestingly, one of the more successful treatment modalities in adults for post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, is to have the patient re-experience the memories and emotions with someone who is trusted in a safe and secure setting. It is like an adult bedtime story on steroids. This reconstruction attaches new emotions to the old fears, facilitating the brain to heal. They learn they can handle the panic. This facing of fear with trust is similar to what a child encounters with storytelling by a sensitive parent.

It is like bedtime storytelling is a mini-psychological session to prevent or treat childhood PTSD with the parent as the therapist. All of a sudden, "And they lived happily ever after" has a whole new meaning.

Joe Cramer, M.D., is a fellow of the American Academy of Pediatrics, practicing pediatrician for more than 25 years and an adjunct professor of pediatrics at the University of Utah. He can be reached at jgcramermd@yahoo.com.

Adult is to “making a living” as Child is to “compulsory education”

My husband leaves home to go to work at 8 AM every day; he is home by 5 PM. He gets one hour for lunch and two 15 min. breaks. We live close to his office so his commute is very short. He works 40 hours a week. Sometimes he has to work 60+ hour weeks, bringing his laptop home or leaving in the early hours of the morning but this “crunch time” never lasts long. The people he works with treat him with respect and he feels safe at his job site. If he didn’t like his job or the people he worked with he could speak to his manager about a change. If no change could be made he could apply to work somewhere else or he could choose to stick it out.

My neighbor’s daughter is 6 years old. She leaves on the bus around 8 AM the school is just over one mile but the bus route takes nearly ¾ of an hour in good weather. She gets home at 4PM. She is in school for 35 hours a week. She gets ½ hour for lunch and another ½ hour for recess break (I have heard that some elementary schools no longer hold recess). She always has homework but she is only in first grade so it is not much, an average of ½ hour a day. If she was a high school student it could easily be as much as 2-3 hours or more bringing her per week school time past the 40 hour mark and that doesn't yet include an instrument, sports, clubs etc. The students she goes to school with are often cruel, spiteful, and vulgar; she does not always feel safe there. If she doesn’t like her teacher or classmates, there is nothing she can do about it. If her parents don’t like her teacher or classmates it is unlikely they can do anything about it but hope for better next year. Getting summer off seems to be the only perk. If her mom worked, she’d spend her summer in day care. (I need hardly add that adults are emotionally far more mature than children and thus far more capable of voicing their concerns and dealing with stressful working conditions.)

What happened to make childhood only 5 years long? What is so fascinating about our adult lives that we want to rid ourselves of these precious bundles of laughter and bright-eyed curiosity (which we so desperately wanted only 5 yrs ago)? Why all this homework? Don’t say it’s to keep parents involved! Leaving parents time to play and laugh with their children…that’s quality parental involvement.

How is it that so many people don’t see the educational system for what it is? These are C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N… there will be plenty of time for full-time employment later—years and years and years of it!

Okay, now I know you all agree with me... so, now, what do we do about it?! We Home School our own children and that is wonderful! But when people ask us about Home School are we quiet? Are our eyes downcast? Do we meekly respond that it is what's best for our family or do we get a sparkle in our eyes and talk (not preach) but talk excitedly about how wonderful it is, how we wish we could have been taught this way, how much the kids are learning, how enthusiastic they are, and how much they know? We don't need to preach or start arguments to get others thinking. Being outspoken doesn't mean we have to make ANY comments whatsoever about what others have chosen... but lets not apologize for what we have chosen, and for what is working WONDERFULLY in our own homes! Maybe, just maybe we'll spark some interest, ignite research, and give someone the nudge they need to burst forth into the Home Education culture that we love so much!

Give it a try next time someone asks you why-- just show them all that enthusiasm that you have & go off on some project your kids are doing or some wonderful thing they said-- heck, tell them how your kids feel sorry for all those kids locked up till almost dinner time!

Don't apologize for having found something AMAZING and EFFECTIVE for your family! Share what you believe in with a big smile on your face, a gleam in your eye, and be sure to mention that you DO get time to yourself as well ! (If you don't, just hang on till the toddlers are older and you will!)

Instilling Vison and Confidence

Do you ever wish that there was an easy set of rules for parenting and educating your children that worked for every child? Well, there is if we look at tribal cultures and try to model their family forms. In tribal cultures mothers and fathers are unique in their roles. Mothers are to instill VISION and Fathers should instill CONFIDENCE. If each spouse focuses on their specific role, you will raise incredible children....here's how:

Mothers Instill Vision
This is simply done by a "You are..." phrase from Mom.

You are such a good big brother.
You are so beautiful.
You are a great helper when you do the dishes.
You are such a good girl.

That's it. Try to have 15 positive interactions to every negative one, and your child will thrive!

Fathers Instill Confidence
This is simply done by a "I feel..." phrase from Dad.

I feel so proud when you help us with the dishes.
I felt disappointed when you lied today.
I feel happy when you are kind to your brother.
I feel sad when you are sad.

So Dads, it's time to get in touch with your softer side and verbalize it, if you want to instill confidence in your children.

Please note, do not try to instill confidence as a Mother, even if you are a single-mother. It will backfire on you. Instead, find another father figure that you trust (like a scout leader) to instill confidence in your child.


On a personal note, I witnessed the effect of this for the first time this last week. My son cut his chin open and needed 8 stitches. During the first half hour when we were in the ER alone, Isaac was on the verge of hysteria (he is only five). Once Dad walked in I was simply amazed at the confidence my son felt. He was clam the rest of the duration of the ER visit. I found my self reflecting on what caused Isaac to change, and concluded that this basic tribal family form was true! I was so thrilled I had to share this little bit of wisdom I had discovered.

The Baby IS the Lesson

I wanted to share one of the articles that helped me have the courage to home school - even with having a baby. This is by Diane Hopkins

One morning on my daily walk, I was fretting and stewing over what I could possibly do with my one-year-old during school time. I was feeling some despair with a new baby on its way. I couldn't see any end to the disruption of babies in my home school for many years to come. I was praying and scheming at the same time: I could wait until the baby's nap to teach school, I could rotate the children with baby-sitting chore away from our schoolroom, I could get a playpen, etc.: all solutions that didn't feel right--babies needs their moms!As I walked and pondered, suddenly the Lord introduced one sentence to my mind and revolutionized my mindset entirely! "The baby IS the lesson!" I thought I was trying to teach Math, but in reality I had been teaching, day by day, how an adult values the precious gift of children. My children, by watching how I deal with the frustration of a crying baby or keep a toddler happy and busy with some of his "own" pieces while we play a math game, are soaking up "the lesson". Unfortunately, I had occasionally been teaching that the baby interrupts our learning.How to be a Christlike person is the most valuable lesson a child could ever learn! The lesson is learned moment by moment; watching a parent being patient, handling frustration with kindness, pressing on for the goal in spite of numerous interruptions, valuing each child's needs regardless of inconvenience. That valuable insight--how Mother handles the baby is the real lesson--has dramatically changed how I view my home school.

I am teaching foremost my values: godly character, kindness, respect for others, individuality, sacrifice and a host of other Christlike attributes. Teaching them reading, writing, math, etc. is very important to me but my perspective has been altered. "Mimic me, follow me and I will show you the way a Christlike person acts and what he values". That is the message every parent relays to their children whether they are aware of it or not. Children try to copy everything anyway (our mannerisms, our daily activities, etc.). We must be certain that we are providing a correct pattern for them to copy, not only in our daily activities but in our attitude, our tone of voice, and our facial expression. We need to conduct our lives so that we can say "follow me". If our children are to "buy" our values, what a tremendous responsibility we have to make sure we are living our best so the lesson is clear and well learned! What more could you ask for from your homeschool than to produce Christlike people?!Teaching your children basically means getting your own personal life in order and striving daily to be the leader for them to follow. Of course, we fall short and they must look to Christ for the perfect being but they need to see daily how one acts, speaks, lives, solves problems. We are acting as a proxy, in a sense, for Christ. Since they can't have his daily role model, then he has given his children parents to be an example, to point the way. Along with lesson preparations, we need to prepare ourselves by asking: is the pattern I live the way Christ would act? Can I say today that I have marked the path for my children to follow? Children learn from seeing their parent's role model. Watching an adult make a simple mistake (such as being too punitive with a child) and go through the process of repenting is 100 times more effective than your devotional lesson on repentance. This means children must be intimately involved with you in your daily life. A few hours a day after school won't do it.Children should be involved in the adult's life rather than daily life rotating around the children.

Research has shown that children who have grown up to be productive well-adjusted adults are those who have been drawn into the parent's world; their daily activities, work, and interests; rather than having parents who centered their world on the child. When I began home schooling, I never could find the time to do the things I felt were important for my life; such as writing in my journal, corresponding with relatives, studying my scriptures, and more. Somehow, in my busy-ness of trying to teach the kids how to write in their journals, I was neglecting my own journal writing. Thankfully, we now have journal writing time in school daily, and we write letters to relatives together as a family on Sunday. Homeschool life should help parents do the daily necessities, rather than usurp the time needed for them. Home maintenance, chores, food preparation, gardening, food preservation, budgeting, clothing care (mending and sewing), planning family social relationships, caring for small children, record keeping, quilting, wallpapering, etc. are all wonderful life skills that can be done together that enhance a child's education!The parent's joyful task is to lead and guide the child into the real world--not set up a contrived pseudo-world to teach skills that the children would easily learn if they spent their time around adults who were striving to live good lives. What constitutes an adult trying to live a "good life"? Being a productive adult would constitute a full-time curriculum! Plant a garden, read good literature, serve the needy, be politically aware, keep a journal, vote for honest men, develop your talents, etc. The exciting part about leading a child into the real world is that they are self-motivated. The moment I sit down to play the piano, all my children want to play and want me to teach them to play something. No sooner than I begin typing on the computer, I have the whole family "needing" to type. My efforts at writing have, humorous to me, stimulated the production of "books" from my youngest children.

Modeling is so much more effective than lecturing. Studies show that the biggest determining factor for a child's success in reading in school is if they have seen a parent reading in the home on a regular basis. This is especially true for boys if the parent who reads is their father, rather than their mother. Somehow, the example says far more about the value of reading than endless hours in school reading groups.In every area, it takes instruction to teach skills to little people. Children need to master the basic academic skills (reading, writing, arithmetic), social manners, music competence, and a host of other abilities and that does take focused concentration and time from mother/teacher to accomplish. It isn't realized just by living in a family. But shared family life practices and contributes to those skills. Having taught my little girl the numbers and the plus, minus and equal signs and how they worked, she jumped right into figuring out how many plates she needed to set the table using her new skills: ("We have 9 and the boys are gone to college so that is minus 3, so we need six").

When we think of homeschool, sometimes we get tunnel vision, and think "academics", "keeping up to speed" and other worrisome concerns that don't really tell the whole story. Homeschool is the growing and nurturing of fine, upright people. So, how we treat and value the baby really is the lesson.Class never dismissed.—Diane Hopkins

Can I Really Do Home Schooling?

I have to admit that I in many ways am still trying to get off the conveyor belt. A part of me still wonders if Isaac, my 5-year-old son, should be getting on the bus that takes the kindergartners to school that passes our house everyday. Most of his peers whom we have known from infancy are on this bus.

When I hear the other parents talk about how wonderful their child's teacher is, or "My son is starting to read," I think to myself...Can I really do this? Isaac can't even identify every letter of the alphabet yet, let a lone phonetically sound out new words. Am I really cut out for this? Isaac can not begin to compete with what his peers can do academically.

I then remind myself that academics are not a competition. Although Isaac would much rather swing and jump on the trampoline (what 5-year-old boy wouldn't) than formally sit down and learn his letters, I believe deep inside that I can make this work. Each day, Isaac's primary curriculum is to learn: appropriate relationships, how to work, and our faith. Every once in a while he is interested in a letter that he naturally finds in his world around him.

Today I had an "OK, may-be home schooling will work" moment. As I was watching a 3-year-old little boy, Isaac asked him to come sit down so he could "read" a library book to him. Isaac preceded to tell the story in his own words to his friend, page by page. It was awesome. I was amazed at Isaac's ability to recall the story that he had only heard once, and how excited he was to share it with his friend.

I hope to someday have Isaac try to teach his younger sisters to read. I guess right now I am going to trust my instincts that he will have a desire to learn to read on his own as long as my husband and I continue to exemplify reading and learning.

School?

At our house we don't do "school". We have routines like get dressed, make your bed, brush your teeth... Then we have fiddle practice. Then Caden goes down for his nap and we gather for what we call school. It consists of a devotional of sorts where we have morning family prayer and then we study out of Gospel Principles together. Then we have "kids school" where I teach them whatever I feel like for anywhere from 5 minutes to an hour. Then they build things or draw or read while I study. Then we usually we have really great discussions around the lunch table about what we've each learned.
I have found that everyone remembers what they study themselves a lot better than they remember what they are "taught" plus, it really adds to the learning of the whole family when everyone learns what they are excited about and then teaches the rest of us.
For example, on Tuesday, we were studying the story of Daniel in the Lions Den as part of our study of Gospel Principles and Colin remembered that he had heard in The Story of the World that King Nebuchadnezzar had gone mad and ate grass. Somehow in my almost 30 years of life I'd never heard that story so we looked it up in Daniel. Sure enough he was right on, as usual. So we talked about that for a minute.
Later that night we told Randy what we'd learned just before he picked up The Long Winter to read to us. Three pages into chapter 31 he read, "'Could we eat grass?' Carrie asked. 'No, Nebuchadnezzar,' Pa laughed." Then, of course, we all laughed. It was great. I have read that book at least three times and never got that reference before Colin taught me the story. I love it when our books talk to each other and when my kids teach me things!


Sometimes I do freak out a bit and get nervous that we will miss something or some crazy fear like that. At those times, I take it to the Lord in prayer and he always comes through for me.
Two Examples:
1 - Geography.
I have issues with geography because the only thing I remember about geography is sitting in that basement room that had a lot of rolled up maps on the wall in the Jefferson. We colored a lot, don't remember what, and I remember wishing I could be across the hall in the library or the cafeteria instead. How was I going to "teach" my kids geography?!!
I read somewhere that the best way to learn geography was to draw maps. My artistic skills were killed in kindergarten when the class laughed at the "flower" hands that I drew. Those weren't petals - they were fingers! How was I going to "teach" my kids to draw maps.
I prayed about it and later that day at "school" I pulled out the Draw Write Now books and drew myself a chicken. I CAN draw and it's fun! I finished up the chicken with a barn and some hills. Caden helped me with the "finishing touches."



I left the books out on the table and went to make lunch. They were still out that night so Colin took one to bed with him after prayers, scriptures and stories. He came down to the kitchen around 10:00 holding a map of Australia he'd drawn. God does answer prayers! I didn't even know that maps were in that book. Colin has since drawn many, many maps and has big plans for building an interactive web page using his pictures.



2-Long Division
I do fine at good old fashioned arithmetic. I love it. Robyn spends hours doing her math workbooks and we have great times together. Colin doesn't particularly care for workbooks - as a general rule, they bore him silly. He spends hours working out problems that matter to him. He adds the letters in the alphabet using either the corresponding number on the telephone pad or the number the letter is in the alphabet (1-26). He even can add roman numerals and binary numbers. I cannot "teach" him math. I searched for math books that we could find common ground with and I think I found one. It's Life of Fred. Problem is, you have to know long division before you start.
I prayed about math and, the next day, Colin asked me how many 22s were in 72. He had made himself a game and didn't want to count the 72 spaces. He knew that there were 22 spaces on the board so if he knew how many 22s were in 72 he wouldn't have to count so much. He now knows a bit about long division.



Life is so fun!

Our Family's Education

I wrote a paper for my book group on Thomas Jefferson Education by Dr. Olliver DeMille. I hope you don't mind it if I share it with you.

What do I want for each of my children? I long for each of them to be faithful, compassionate, hardworking, educated individuals; possessing a clear sense of direction towards their personal mission in life. Today, we live in a “conveyor-belt” society that naturally consumes our family’s time, energy, thoughts and values. “People sup together, play together, travel together but they do not think together. Hardly any homes have any intellectual life whatsoever.” (Pg 66) How do Richard and I remove our family off this absorbing conveyor-belt and promote intellectual life into our home?

First, we must set forth a strong foundation of our family’s faith and belief in God. The simplest way for us to do this is by slowing our lives down. When we become too busy and distracted by outside events (even too many play dates) our time is quickly eaten up and the spiritually things tend to go by the wayside first. These distractions may all be “good” things, but the spiritual teachings we can share with our children are “better.” When your life is quiet and simplified, it allows the spirit to return to your home and all are edified within.

Second, we wish for each of our children to have compassionate relationships. Teaching them academics is very important to us, but how to be Christ-like is the most valuable lesson a child could ever learn.

Next, it is a joyful task to lead and guide each child into the “real world” of a productive adult. My curriculum involves: laundry, dishes, cooking, gardening, reading, singing, playing the piano and violin, sewing and caring of our baby. Richard’s includes: mowing the lawn, car maintenance, studying, and household repairs. Naturally children love to “play” at the work you do, so let them come along for the ride. When I do the dishes, the younger ones play with dishes at our feet while the older ones contribute to the chore. Once a work ethic is established through daily responsibilities, it can easily be transferred to academics latter.

Finally, we desire each of our children to become genuinely educated. As parents, we must inspire them to educate themselves. Richard’s strongest impression he felt after reading this book was that he was not fully educated after all. We, as parents are trying to fill in the gaps of our own education by reading the classics ourselves. Although it is challenging, we have found that as Oliver DeMille states, “You as the reader awaken. Your exposure to greatness changes you: your ideas are bigger, your dreams wilder, your plans more challenging, your faith more powerful.” (Pg 71) Already our excitement to study has begun to inspire our children to educate themselves.

Every moment we are with our children they are watching, absorbing and mimicking us. What lessons do we want them to learn? As parents we must consciously exemplify the attributes of faith, compassion, work and education in our home because: “Indeed, coaching occurs one way or another, even if just by bad example or ambivalence.” (Pg 89)

In our home class is never dismissed!